I am tired.

This may seem like stating the obvious as I am the mother of a 2 month old, a nearly 2 year old and a 3 1/2 year old, but I am tired. I truly feel I am tired physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

I would guess the physical tiredness contributes greatly to the other areas. It is hard to ever feel truly refreshed when you only get 2-4 hour "naps" for months straight. Some is my fault. For instance, my baby boy is sleeping now, but I am not. If I went to sleep right now it is likely I could get 4-6 hours of sleep in a row...this hasn't happened in over 2 months. But, instead of sleeping I am blogging...and no one even knows about this to read it! :o)

Mentally and emotionally I feel stretched to my limits. I struggle to accomplish well the day to day tasks of my job, my house, my kids, etc. Thinking about feeding my family lunch and supper can totally consume much of my day! I can't tell you the last time my house felt completely clean. Don't freak out...it isn't terrible, but even if my bathrooms get clean my kitchen is a mess or the laundry is sky high...and dusting...I can hardly remember the last time that happened! So, needless to say I am completely worn out by all the tasks that need to be done to run a household. And don't forget, my hubby and I own our own business that also involves many details...my brain is a jumbled fog of to-do lists...none of which seem to ever get completely done. I often wonder how other mothers can look so put together and on top of life. Am I the only one who wants to run away somewhere and sleep for a month?

And speaking of mothering...I wonder how my children will survive this "crazy mommy" phase I am in. I know for sure I do not have the consistency in my discipline that all the books say is so vital. Will my kids be monsters when I finally "wake up"? I am so thankful for my hubby, but I often wonder if I am wearing him down too. He is gracious beyond measure and so wonderful with the kids. I am curious if he remembers the Maria he married and wonders if she will ever return. I wonder this myself after 4 years of pregnancy and nursing. I miss me...even if I was a different type of crazy back then.

Although I am tired and stressed, I don't really think I would change where I am if you gave me a chance. I am desperately in love with my 3 beautiful children. They amaze me every day as I watch them grow. They challenge me to not stay in this rut of blah I find myself mired in. They show so much love...even on the days when I am so grumpy I don't even want to be around me. I love how my 2 month old can scrunch his face up ready to let out a cry and then I catch his attention and he grins so big I think his sparkling eyes are like stars. I melt when my almost 2 year old son gives me a kiss or says "tank ooh mom". And when my daughter "reads" me a story or sings me a song I know that all is right in the world...if only for a moment.

So, I am tired. I rarely muster the strength to open my bible, and my prayers feel as though they are hitting the ceiling. I grealy desire my children to see a deep and abiding faith evident in my life and yet I know the evidence is currently lacking. How much in my life is tiredness and how much is laziness and complacency. If I truly knew God's grace would I be able to so easily "fall asleep at the wheel"? I am planning to take the Alpha course this fall at my church in hopes of reawakening my soul even if my body remains exhausted.

Hear my voice when I call, O Lord, be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, Lord, I will seek. - Psalm 28:7-8

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. - Isaiah 40:29-31